Birthing Spirit

My daughter is a wonderful and sometimes painful mirror into the shadow aspects of myself. I see myself as an emotion driven person. I am constantly feeling others and aware of their feelings, but sometimes it is challenging for me to find my own until they are brimming up over the top of the emotional cup. I notice that this is true for her as well.

An interesting way that this comes out for her is often when she is getting dressed. She wants to choose her own clothes. Not unreasonable and we let her choose whatever she likes, with only some minor exceptions. Those exceptions often have to do with weather, terrain and the ever occasional party or special event at school. Even with those exceptions, often we give her suggestions and ask her, “Are you going to be warm enough?” or “Do you feel like you want to wear the boots with your costume?” She, however, will take this as us trying to impose our will upon her. She will yell and begin to fight with us. Her do it yourself attitude suddenly becomes rage and hostility, sometimes even tears. I would think that this is a power struggle, except we aren’t trying to force her into anything. We are merely offering another path for her to take. She wants to take her own way. I understand her desire.

The argument will often not end up being about the clothes at all, but about how she is yelling and whining at us. It seems to me that she has conflicting needs. She has a need to do it herself without our interference, but she also has a desire to be approved of (which to her is very close to us showing her love). She sees that we are not completely in agreeance with her and instead of letting us know that she has another idea, she melts down.  Perhaps fearful that she will not get the love she feels she needs or that she will be forced into something.

Being with her intense emotions means learning to recognize that often what she says her needs are in fact not what they truly are, but is really just another way of saying that she needs Unconditional Love, Acceptance, Compassion and Understanding. We are learning as parents to apply this same rule to ourselves trying to remember that even the most intense emotions we have towards our kids or our partners (or them towards us), there is often an underlying need to have Unconditional Love, Acceptance, Compassion and Understanding.

I have recently been reminded of how important it is for pregnant women to bond with their babies while they are still pregnant. Sometimes women become so caught up in the physical sensations of pregnancy and the intellectual processes of preparing for labor and birth that they have forgotten that there is a sentient being growing inside of them. This sentient being is wise (in a completely non-intellectual way) and is still connected to the most primal spirit source of life energy.

By spending time in meditation, prayer or in deep quiet inner space, a pregnant woman can take time to connect in with her unborn child. This kind of connection paves the way for not only a more intuitively guided experience all around, but also for a lasting kind of deep bonding between the mother and her child. It is honoring for both her and for her child.

Giving birth is a transformative experience for a woman. It often brings things to the surface that weren’t expected. Emotions and physical sensations that can be overwhelming in the moment, but also challenging to work through later as well.  The transformation of giving birth is always a challenge, no matter what our actual experiences may be.
However, what happens to those of us who not only have challenges in birthing our children, but have traumas that go along with those experiences? Some women have said that they feel abandoned in post partum because the focus now shifts to the baby. Even the women themselves have difficulty in showing up for the feelings of grief they may be having because it is important for them to show up to be present for their babies. And care providers don’t always have the ability or the presence to help them through these experiences.

In addition, it is challenging because pregnancy, birth and child rearing seems to be an area that everyone not only has an opinion on, but can tell a woman exactly what they think she should do or should have done differently. It is very hard to find someone out there that can just hear the feelings a woman might be having about her birth. And many women who have tried for a natural birth or a home birth may walk away from their experience feeling defeated or blaming themselves if things didn’t go the way they had hoped it would. It is further exasperated if there were complications in their delivery that may have been perceived as a true risk to them or to their babies.

It is important as women that we find ways to support one another through this transformation that is the birth of our children. Find a way to show up for a friend who may have had an intense or traumatic birth experience. And even if you think her birth story is the most beautiful and non traumatic birth story you have ever heard, just listen and give her a safe place to talk about her feelings. Her experience is valid, no matter what opinions you might have about it.

If you are a woman who has had trauma in her birth experience(s), find support for yourself. Find some good friends who are willing to listen. Seek the support of a professional in the field of birth (like a doula or birth psychologist) or an organization that might deal with birth specific issues (like ICAN for women who have had cesareans).

And know that the full range of what you might be feeling will take awhile to unfold. It may be years before you see the full extent of your feelings or your grief around the experience. Allow it to come and move through you, giving you insight and strength as you move more firmly into the role of motherhood.

Our experiences show us the way to creating a better future for our daughters and our sons. We learn and grow and share our insights with others so that they may learn and grow. Our ability to be in our grief and in our pain allows us to move through these feelings giving us the opportunity for love…. for ourselves and our children.

Moon Glowing. Tides Flowing. Ripples through my life. Dancing with and through. Giving myself the gift of freedom, permission and relaxation. Letting myself be clear and loving while flowing with the creation that flows through me, whether it be in relationships, art, or in life. Be it in health or be it in circumstances beyond my control. Be with it. Dance with it. Move with it. Flow with it. Go with it. Do with it. Be at peace even in the chaos. Give freedom even in restricted places. Love myself with gentleness, with allowance.

Let the inner reflection shine through.Let the heart be the voice of the soul. Let it speak and then listen well.

It’s been awhile since I have written here and many changes are on the horizon for me. Stay tuned to my website and my blog for what is to come.

In the meantime here is a little something that I wrote for myself last year that perhaps you will get something out of as well.

Remember to have balance. Balance is the act of going neither too far in one direction or too far in another. But balance does not mean motionless. It means equal balance of motion and no motion. It means spending time quiet and reflective. It means spending time in activity and play.

In order to achieve what it is that we are desiring in our lives, we must have a combination of perseverance, faith, inspiration, intuition, love and rest. Perseverance to keep going when it gets challenging and hard. Faith to know that we are provided for and taken care of even in our darkest moments. Inspiration to fuel us and keep us flowing with the creation of life. Intuition to know when to follow a lead, when to listen deeper, when to fine tune our clarity. Love that keeps us sustained and fills us up so that we may have the courage to stay engaged in the beautiful and challenging act that is called Life. And Rest, to allow us the energy to receive all that is flowing through us and to give it back out again.